It has been 21 days since my last entry, 21 days. During that time I went back to work, hubby got better, boy 1 won a soccer award, boy 2 had his hearing tests, and well me, I got told my my terrible doctor that I may have cancer. All has happened, the only thing that has not happened is feedback from my supervisors. That is still missing. So I should have the scales finished by now, but thanks to the silence of my supervisors, there is no much progress. At least I have learnt how to set the survey on-line and made contact with the uni stats department. The next challenge will be the survey pretest challenge. Thanks.
Correction … I didn’t send the scales to my supervisors for review, it seems that I forgot to press the ‘send’ button! This has happened to me a few times. I sent it later, but maybe too late for my supervisor who left for Italy today. Once I again, I am going to be very anxious about my work and irritated with supervisors.
Today I went to see mum, had the appointment with aged care people and the funeral people. It was ok. She will get some extra support, including physio and nursing support. The funeral lady was great and gave good ideas for mums funeral. I think we’ll go for it. This needs to be done ASAP so she can apply for benefits.
What is really worrying me is the anxiety I am suffering when I am driving on highways. Today it was high, high. I had to get out of the road to breathe and calm down. Terrifying feelings. Close to crying. I will need psych support if I am to manage my driving fobias. Good thing mum is with me.
Tomorrow cuchubal. No PhD work. Fun times.
Today I sent my very draft scales to my supervisors. I knew the scales weren’t ready, but I needed to let them know I need feedback now. The reason why I was so upset that I applied and got into a better uni, was because my supervisors were not giving me feedback or getting so late as to be almost irrelevant. Time is of the essence now. This weekend I am thinking of starting the line limeline survey set up. Excited!!
Work I wrote a draft report to the senate. Happy with that.
Tomorrow I am driving for hours to see mum. We have appointments with aged care worker for assessment and with funeral director. If she is up to it, I’ll bring mum with me. Good news: Boy 2 had his hearing test today and it seems that he is above expectations! Who would have thought from 60% hearing loss to hearing above expectations.
Today I had a meeting with my research partner and discussed my research findings, and get initial feedback on questions. It was good to talk about project and how the findings can be used in policy. Also agreed that I would present to industry in July. I expect to hand the research questions and scales drafted by then, so I can pilot test my e-survey. This means that also need to have set up the online Lime Survey to be used in I-pad. Busy, busy.
At work I was busy writing thank you letters from the Queen to all people visited in her recent trip. I enjoyed working again on travel stuff.
At home things are still like walking on eggs. No much talking happening with hubby, like two sad zebras. We are exhausted, done with each other.
Back at work was as hard and easy as expected. Hard because I couldn’t contain my tears every time someone asked how I was doing. Hard because no one in management or HR (except my supervisor) cared enough to ask me how I was doing. Hard because nothing has changed and hubby can get cancer again anytime. Easy, well because I like my peers, boss and work in general. Easy because I could spend 30 mins working on scales, looking at options, drafting some questions. Easy because I had my 30 mins walk, my nice coffee, my morning tea. Still I was surprised at how sensitive I felt.
For PhD work I checked some thesis, copied sample scales, started putting together some questions and got most of the TAM scales drafted. Missing scales are to do with trust and finance. To be continued tomorrow. Also read the offer from the other uni. No feedback from my old supervisors on reports presented last week. If I am not mistake, this was the reason why I was thinking of leaving. This reminded me again when I applied for another university. Tomorrow, I could finish first draft of trust & cost questions. By Thursday, I may have the first draft of the survey.
Also, my mum’s continuing with her deterioration. Today she gave her cc details to a stranger over the phone. Nigerian or Indian scammer? Had to cancel the credit card, and maybe even her bank accounts. Nasty people. Poor mum. The loving Lala is almost gone, a confused and scared abuela is here to stay.
Still recovering from last night’s party. My legs and back are hurting, it could be just the dancing, the extra weight, or it could really be that I am sick with cancer. Trying to think about the doctors words or the upcoming hospital test. All should be ok.
Today I cleaned up my PhD computer area, move furniture around, again, and got some basic filing done. I downloaded a few thesis and watched a good-related videos. I am trying to get into this scales challenge, always hard at the beginning. Harder knowing that I am going back to work tomorrow after 5 tiring weeks of dealing with hubby and kids. My back pain is hurting, my legs, my neck, my shoulders. Am I really going back to work to rest?! Seriously now, work is very stressful in a good day, demanding most times, don’t know how i am going to deal with being back in the office. I think i will have to ask my boss to go back to work 80% of the time for the next 12 weeks. What are my chances of that happening? Monsenor Romero helped me with that.
Tonight we had good friends coming over for dinner, as always the lovely lady cooked with us nice pasta dishes and planned the menu for next week’s cuchubal. Some normality now.
Today I had a welcome break from all the drama and pain of the last few weeks. Boy 1 was a chambelan at the quinceanera party of a dear friend of ours. Chambelans are the boys who escort the birthday girl. She reminds me of me. What a day, what a night! First got up early to get to the market and buy some nice flowers. Then we pretty up the hall. Midday boy got ready with his suit and all. Look so grown up. Then a beautiful mass, Father Nacho really went out of town with the sermon, very special for the kids. Then got to the hall, photos, dinner and dancing, and more dancing. Got home almost at 1am. Hubby didn’t got to church but went to the party for a while, I could tell that he was in pain, but, but. His choice, his pain. There was a bit of drama and the party stopped: Boy 1 went missing for a while. We had a search party and we found him at a nearby park talking to an older boy. I was worried, but all good at the end. It was funny, usually the boys wait for me to leave a party, but this time I had to wait for boy 1, as he was so happy dancing with the other kids. My boy is all grown up now. I still sense he wants to be a little boy, fighting to grow up. Boy 2 was a darling, so worried because his big brother had done missing.
It was such a beautiful cultural experience for boys, coming to celebrate a real Latin quinceanera party with mariachis, cumbia, waltz and so on in the land of the kangaroos. Very grateful for having the opportunity to be part of such a traditional Latin event. Thank God again. Despite how bad things look, you are always there for us.
Faith in humanity restored! I got a call from uni that my USB was found and left in the library, my little cow is back. Tomorrow I will pick up. Also, I managed to arrange an appointment with an e-survey expert to start the setting up of the survey. Granted I am still working on scales, but tomorrow may be the only time I can discuss with someone the technical aspects of the survey. Scales maybe harder to define as my constructs have expanded. I may be able to have the first go at scales by end of next week. God willing.
Tomorrow I am going to two funerals, one at church, the other one at a political rally of sorts. Two different funerals for two very different men. Last week I went to another funeral of a good friend. So much death in such a short time. 3 out of 3, hubby was lucky this time. Life at home has calmed down. No drama for a couple of days. Now I am even laughing at hubby’s idea of moving for a few months to a farm in Argentina to be closer to nature and look after horses. It wasn’t funny when he first told me at 2am in the morning, but now it will be one of those legendary stories that I am going to tell for a long time.
I did my hair today and is looking great. Feeling good with myself. Getting ready for quinceañera party on Saturday. Maybe because at 1am today I submitted three reports to supervisors. Ok, I think I’m ready to go to work and ready to get back to more challenges.
Ahh I forgot to mention that I am going to have a test to rule out cancer. Yes, ME with cancer. That I wasn’t expecting. The yoke is on me.
Life has got to me. Busy with work, dad, boys and did I say hubby’s cancer? Yes, the big C is with us, it has come to home and we are just getting used to have it around. It seems that hubby’s has had cancer for a few year.
For somebody who is writing a PhD on digital technologies, I sure get enough IT dramas. Today I went to uni for a chance to get out of home, plus access to a good printer. As I was contemplating how much work I’d done in such a short period of time, the beauty of working with fellow students, the silence of the library and so on … my good USB was stolen!! Yes, stolen, right in front of my nose. There are usbs thieves amongst us, be careful. I am so upset. My good cow usb, with all the articles, dad’s photos, reports, etc. Hope they don’t use that data or pics. Who would do something so terrible?
As for hubby things have come down since I told him if he didn’t have anything nice to say, don’t talk to me. Still a lazy bugger though. Yesterday he flooded the house leaving the bath on while playing in the computer. He had to clean it all, even with all the pain. No sympathy from me after he laughed that he hadn’t paid the insurance. Mum’s dementia getting worse, but i managed to get extra support for her. Don’t know how much time she will be on her own. Dreading the day when i have to take her to a nursing home.
Good thing is that I finish my draft reports: one for supervisor, one for industry and one for newsletter. Very happy with that. Now to find a conference and a reason to present. Next stage is the scales, need to find scales soon. Once I get the scales, I can start work on e-survey design. Scales challenge is the new challenge.