NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 29

I was so happy today because no writing, I submitted my report yesterday so I took the day off today from writing! I even slept and got bored at work … all because I had all that free time: no writing.  I started reading on … yes writing! I downloaded this book called: “Write to the Top” and I am getting inspired to write again. I’ll have the day off tomorrow and start writing on Friday, after my chat with Supervisor 3.

This afternoon I got the really sad news that my mum had a panic attack  this morning, after Boy 1 left her house, when mum was by herself she could not stop crying and feeling helpless. Her dementia is getting worse and I just cannot deal with it.  It upsets me, oh how much it upsets me … I get angry very quickly and become quite mean to her. Then I feel guilty and embarrassed. I don’t know how to manage my own anxiety about her disease.  She is deteriorating fast, and I am learning very slowly how to manage her mental sickness.  I am not good to her.  Thank heavens my brother is a darling. So glad, that he is looking after her. He is so much better than any of us, than me.  He called me off today and told me that I was being mean to mum, and I should stop.  Maybe I need my little brother to reprimand me. I deserved it.

Mum is only  going to get worse, and I feel that I will not be able to handle it with love and compassion.  I don’t know why … maybe it is because she cannot control herself, her anger is coming back, and how much I suffered as a child because she was always angry. Maybe because I never understood how such a loving women, can carry so much pain and hatred.  I have asked her many time to give up her hatred, she has not only refused to give it up, but cherish it, she loved feeling angry towards my father, his family, her family.  I think deep inside I feel that she deserves it … it’s like proof of what I have told her many time: if you don’t let the fear go, the fear will get to you; if you don’t control your anger, it will control you.  So it has happened. She is trapped by hatred, anger, fear, loneliness … all the things I was trying to save her from, but she failed, I failed.  Maybe when I get angry it is because I want to tell her all this: you could be avoided all this pain and be happy if you had just listened, but no, you were too stubborn, so deal with your sickness without me.  There I said it … deal with it, without me.  That’s exactly how I feel.  OMG! Such an awful daughter, I am terrible, no compassion.  God help me.

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NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 28

So sweet the taste of success, even if that success is only a section of a chapter for confirmation report. I’ve done it! I submitted another section and I could even ask for feedback. We’ll see if I finally get a response from supervisors.  Two of them are travelling one is off to Malaysia, the other is in Italy and the third one is off to have an operation.  Lucky me … I am so behind and on probation and my mentors are off with the fairies.

 I feel so good right now: got our boss back well and safe from China, finished report, organised cuchubal get away and completed this section of confirmation report. Yes, it may not be a big deal, but for me it means that I got from 0 words to 15,000 … it means that I only need 85,000 more words. I think I can get to 20,000 for confirmation report by end of 2016.  I wonder if I can get to 25,000 by end of January? Dreaming does not hurt anyone. No writing tonight or tomorrow morning 😉 

NaNoMoWri Challenge: day 26

I took the day off today to look after Boy 2, but mainly to work on my chapter.   Today marks two weeks after I provided my theoretical framework chapter to supervisors, but no feedback or communication at all.  Every day, I get even more upset.  However, because I did promise an extra section to the chapter and I haven’t finished yet, I am reluctant to complain too much about their lack of feedback.  Good thing is that I took the whole day to almost finish the section.  Tomorrow, I’ll do some editing and final touches and will send before 4pm.

What will happened after that? I guess I’ll have to review the theoretical framework and come up with good ideas as to why trust, internet access and farm size are so important in predicting technological adoption.   I need to go back to Davis and read, and read again his thesis to really understand the science behind his model.  I need to do that in order to consider the research methodology and the questions I may consider in my research.  I also need to prepare for my meeting with project leader.  Sometimes i feel close, sometimes i feel so far behind.  Nevertheless, only 4 days to go and I have finished what I needed for this challenge, 15,000 of academic writing! Thanks NaNoMoWri!

NaNoMoWri challenge: day 25

I did a bit of writing this morning and I can see how I want to progress this stage of lit review. I won’t be finish by tomorrow, but by Tuesday I’ll be ready to send a document to supervisors. Tomorrow 200 words more, plus beginning to edit. At night I will do referencing.

Today we spent the whole in TBA with my brother and his family celebrating his 40th birthday. Great time and great food. In the afternoon we went to the movies, Arrival, a bit of a bore. 

Yesterday we found out that Fidel Castro died. An icon, but I do have my reservations. Why the celebrity  cult? I don’t want to unserestimate his achievements, but why such great man fail to leave followers of high calibre? It seems that they can’t mentor and pass on their wisdom to next generation.

NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 24

Yesterday i did a bit of work on chapter.  Not that many words, but I am starting to link the industry, project and theoretical framework.  At the end that’s all i really need to do in this section, what is the problem, what’s the theory explaining/solving the problem and why I’ve chosen that theory.  At the end my theoretical framework is close to 15000, but i am sure I will cut to around 10,000 once my bloody supervisors give me some sort of feedback.  This is driving me crazy. No feedback what at all. None.  I wonder whether all the supervisors are like or did i just manage to get bad ones. Supervisor 1 is particularly lazy.

Today, i got a very busy day.  Starting with deep water running, yes water running. Since i hurt my ankle, i have not been able to swimming and I am getting sooo fat, not funny. Later taking boy 1 to soccer, doing birthday shopping, then going to birthday and finally driving out of town to see celebrate with my brother. When will i have time to write up? When? I am so very close, but still very far.  God … energy and motivation to keep me going, 1000 more words to go.  Then edit on Monday.   Would I be able to write at least 100 words today, maybe 200? Same for tomorrow?  On monday, my job should be editing, not writing. We’ll see.

Yesterday i was listening to a pod cast on women’s liberation, and according to the presenter it also means valuing the work that women do at home same way as the work man do outside .. that’s fair … the big thing is we can’t undervalue the work at home, if a man does it too. So … i should not be upset about being the main breadwinner … and not upset with mr grumpy for ‘looking after’ the boys, even if i don;t agree with that looking after. That’s heavy.  I must say that i really struggle with that one.  A lot.

NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 23

One more week to go before I finish this challenge.  I may just get to another 5,000 words. And guess what? Still no feedback from my so called supervisors, nothing.  Only silver lining is that I can wait until monday to send the rest of my literature research, and don’t feel much guilt.  Bloody supervisors, making me wait, for their little shitty comments. I am upset, yes very upset.  I wrote about 500 words, which is more or less what i wanted. 200-3oo tomorrow, and review on weekend, maybe 500 more words to link it all up.

Today Mr Grumpy told me he was started to hate me, yes he is hating me.  Nothing to be too worry about, according to Germaine Greer all man hate the women in their lives. Granted I have been nagging him about his 24/7 gaming, seeing him waste his life just stuck on his phone all day drives me crazy. Today he forgot to take the lunch for our little boy, gee forgot lunch because he was playing on his phone, WTF? Sounds like a teenager, not like a 50 y/o man.  So I nagged him about that, and his response is that he’s  starting hating me. He also ruined my desk-top computer.  Yes, he did it and its hard not to think that it is a bit of sabotage.  As always it’s someone else’s fault.  The computer was too old, and he didn’t do anything to it … he was trying to fix it.  Yes, sure.  Interesting where all this ends up.

NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 22

I kind of got back into writing, slowly and a few words, but still writing.  Yesterday I did 200 more words, and I think between today and tomorrow I may do 400-500 more. We’ll see.  Its is a challenge because it seems that i am doing it all in isolation, no feedback, no comment, nothing. I expect to have something to present to my supervisors by Monday, but will they have something to present to me.  This is getting ridiculous. I feel like I cannot complain because thanks to them i got my extension, but I NEEDED the extension because of them.  That Sup 1 is a very lazy bastard.  I would not recommend this Uni to anyone who wants to do a PhD, at least not this faculty. Shameful the way they treat their higher degree students. Shameful.  I know that i have to be independent, but they are supposed to do their work of supporting me in this writing up. Am I expecting too much from them? I don’t think, only do what they are supposed to do, what they are paid to do,  what they are meant to do! Is that too much to ask … supervise please. I guess i have to write up the next 500 words completely in the dark, like like the 500 before that, and the 10,000 before that.  This PhD process is sooo lonely.

NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 21

Only a few days to go before I submit my  final literature review, but my supervisors have not given me any feedback whatsoever.  Disappointing,  more disappointing when I am in this situation of being withdrawn from the PdD program given that my supervisors were so slack to start with …

Anyway yesterday I wrote my first 200 words in over a week, and i think i can do it again today.  I know I don’t need much to do to this section, mainly around 1000 words more and with a topic that i more or less manage, but  a bore given that no feedback so far. I know,  I know … I do need the stimulus and approval/disapproval from my supervisors to keep going.  I guess part of this PhD is to keep going regardless of when I get in contact again with supervisors.  This being totally independent really sucks, sucks … you walk in the dark alone, hoping that you are in the right track.  I thought supervisors were meant to provide advice and guidance, but so far all i’ve gotten is silence.    I need to be motivated again, luckily for me, in about two weeks I will go to the PhD retreat, i am sort of looking forward to that.

Work has been very chaotic, dealing with China and Hong Kong and high officials has not been easy, but we are almost midway.   Two more weeks of this stress and will be going on holidays 🙂

NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 20

Back from short break to work! I felt good today, able to solve a few dramas and with energy to take me over the next few weeks before Xmas break. Only thing, no writing so far, nada, nothing.  This is frustrating when you loose the flow and it takes forever to get back into writing.  I also feel a bit disappointed that no feedback from any of my supervisors.  So, you I don’t know if wasting time or on the right track.  Feedback gives you energy, but with supervisors no even acknowledging that they got your paper, it’s heartbreaking.  What to do? Should i keep of trying? Is it all worth it?  I guess I have no choice, as I have told so many people, it would be way too embarrassing to give up now.  Oh God, give me the strength and determination to keep going!

No many days left to my next big milestone, only 10 days before I submit my literature review update.  Hopefully, I’ll get some feedback by then.  In the meantime, I will write up,  go to my brothers 40s birthday, my little boys Xmas party, old boy violin concert, parliament report, thank you cards, etc. Very busy end of year.  I need to write 4,000 words more and review feedback.

NaNoWriMo Challenge: day 19

No writing today, but beach, water and sun. Add a good group of friends, plenty of conversations and Mr Grumpy equals nothing written. I did read 4 articles and may get to read 2 more today  some sort of progress. But when will I start writing again. I need to get back in the saddle. Tomorrrow I’ll get, slowly, slowly, back in action.  Today is the last day in the beach, last holiday before next year. Not enough time, but plenty to reset.