Ethics challenge: day 18

We have a sick household, mum is sick, boy 1 very sick, boy 2 trying to get sick, hubby always sick and me fighting a sickness.   Wrong week to get sick I  say.  So much to do with the party, my ethics, my job application, boy 1 music concert, boy 2 akido, hubby’s plan to finish garden. Well, this is life is a busy household.   Anyway, still we have some fun on the weekend, plus i got a chance to have a little nap. Yesterday was El Salvador del Mundo celebration, Jesus’ transfiguration – we went to mass and had a chance to be together with friends and eat Salvadorean food, yum, yum.

This week I am going to contact my supervisors once again and ask for their feedback on my ethics application.  I did sent emails and updates to them last week, but no input so far. I’d like the respond to the concerns of the uni ASAP.  Also, this Wednesday I will be meeting fellow industry researches.  They sent me input into my survey questions last week, but I have been very afraid of even opening the email just in case their questions are so different to mine or they don’t agree with my research methodology.  I must get rid of that fear soon, given that I will be meeting them in a few days to agree on survey questions and field work.  Once questions and ethics are ok, then, we can  start making phone calls and arranging times to interview people. So, the real research is starting now.  A lot of the advice on PhD is around lit review and writing of thesis, but for me the scary part is the field work.  Going to industry and testing my ideas. What if they think my proposal is rubbish? What if they don’t understand my questions? What if they don’t even answer my phone? What if my methodology is wrong?  I feel that my professional standing is going to be damaged, but worse of all is the embarrassment, the fear of being found I don’t know enough, that $£”()%( FEAR!!

The reality  is that I must overcome my FEAR … fear keeps me low and wishing low … fear keeps me from moving forward.  How to overcome fear? Fear is what our parents taught us, you see living in a war-torn country only the fearful who avoided danger survived: don’t to out at night, don’t get noticed, don’t be loud, don’t stand out.  That fear was ingrained into us, we were told to be fearful from the time we were born. Only El Salvador del Mundo can help, only God can protect you.  It worked, we survived the war! However, the war is over, I live in one of the safest cities in the world, surrounded by opportunities, but I am paralysed. The immediate danger is gone, but the feeling of FEAR stayed with me.  As I celebrate the miracle of the transfiguration in El Salvador del Mundo, our ‘fiestas patrias’, I  reflect on what being a Salvadorean survivor means.

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Procrastination challenge: day 30

After reading one of the blogs  on time management in wordpress I came across the book: “The 8-minute writing habit” by Monica Leonelle. As I knew I wouldn’t have time to sit down and read it I got in audio.  Great book with lots of small writing gems.  Well, as always consistency triumphs over everything else.  You only have to do 8 minutes every day, until you get in the habit and can become a writer.  The book is more for people who want to do writing as a profession, but for me over the next 3 years or so, writing will be my profession.  Anyway, after i finish this procrastination challenge, I will start the 8-minute thesis writing challenge.

In the meantime, life with all its drama is happening.  Birthday party for my little boy still undecided because the teacher forgot to give the invites out.  My pre-teen boy, is just a bit of a pain lately, moody and just got a C in math, a C?! Mum is feeling very sick, the dementia (finally, i wrote it), is slowly creeping up, main signs: anxiety and lack of sleep.  She is new medication now, but I can sense her sadness. She is a nurse and sadly knows what to expect. She can see now her deterioration.  She has been trying to hide it, i think that’s why she has refused to come and stay with us. She knows she is loosing it and is too embarrassed to tell people.  My mum, always such a proud and strong woman, she is becoming this fragile little old lady.  I am so sad for her. My heart breaks for her. Oh mum how much i love and wish i could help you.

As i said, drama gets in the way of a PhD. Work as chaotic as ever.  Maybe a should rename this blog?  “Dramatic PhD writing – mature student with young kid, teenager boy, crazy husband, dementia mother, chaotic workplace and so on”. Gee all those kids that only have to worry about going to uni and reading those damn papers with soon realise how easier they have it 🙂

Getting back to PhD.  I am almost finished one of the models, a few more hours to work on it.   On the weekend, I plan to try to do two more models. I must have something for my supervisors for next week, I am meeting them next Wednesday or Thursday.  Maybe Thursday will be a good day to meet.  Got to have at least 3,000 words to provide.  A bit worried that my confirmation date has not been accepted. Also worried that the Department won’t let me be in the project.  One thing at a time.

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Procrastination challenge: day 13my

Yesterday it was a very special day. The best and worst of my younger years came to me. One of the greatest groups I worked with was having their 21st reunion, I couldn’t get half because of the long drive by myself and half because of my thesis work, and a bit because Alice couldn’t bed me. Actually the main reason was because I am meeting my supervisor next week and needed to have something prepared for him. I was disappointed I couldn’t make it, but it was more painful when they call me to say how much they miss me and how much they wanted me to be there. My heart felt so loved and I was so grateful for having had them in my life all those years ago. At night i went to the FMLN party, after Esperanza asked me to go, I can’t say no to her. At the party, the S and brother were there. All their nastiness and my foolishness came back to me. Good that part of my life is gone.

Good thing is that I actually worked on my report. I think I am getting to 4000 words, unedited, about 3000 once I edit this. Good because I am aware I need to work much more on literature review and methods. I will aim for 8000 for confirmation report.

Today is Sunday, I spend time with family, a bit of cleaning and uniform washing I will spend 2 hours with report.

Day 3 & 4: holiday challenge

Yesterday was my last day at work for the year, yeah! It felt soo good saying goodbye.  Today is the last day at home. I got up at 4am and got some uni work done.  Will complete packing and buying last minute presents and stuff. I am so excited, but worried at the same time. I don’t know if I can be with Mr X for 10 long weeks, without wanting to kill him or at least divorce him. Gosh, he is so INTENSE, so INTENSE … it is tiring. The boys need calm, calm, the gentle care of their parents and Mr X is all the contrary.  How do I survive and enjoy my time? That and the violence in El Salvador and potential illnesses are the three things that worry me the most of travelling, but by far is his intensity what worries me the most.   Today it is cuchubal time, so very busy day.

Today is day three (3) day of my gratitude challenge

Today was a very challenging day work, school and family. My hubby had a colonoscopy today. meaning he had to prepare last night, waking up every few hours to get to the bathroom, so little sleep for me.  My boys had sports training, music lessons, reading competition and musical concert.  I am grateful for the public health system in Australia that let my husband had the medical procedure at minimum cost. I am also grateful for working conditions as I could take the day off to take him to hospital, to look after him when he got home and take the boys to school, sports, music and concert  So grateful to be able my be with my little boy in his piano lesson today and then be at my elder’s boy music orchestra. Grateful that I had the time to work from home in the morning, do school work in the afternoon and prepare a healthy hearty dinner – beef stew – for the family.

So beautiful to listen to my boy play the violin tonight. I felt for proud of him and so grateful that we are able to provide with options: soccer in the morning, reading competition in the afternoon and music concert in the evening. I grew up in a country at war, where I was lucky if we had electricity and water in the evening; where I was afraid for my parents working late at nigh; and worried all the time about war and its consequences.  Being a kid in El Salvador in the 80s was not fun, it was stressful and dangerous. Go grateful that my boys don’t have to go through that.

 

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Hello world! Buenas noches desde la tierra de los canguros!

Today is my first post. I have always wanted to write up a blog, but never really got a chance, time or energy to do it. Today while watching a TED talk on gratitude, I thought the only way I am going to follow the 30 day gratitude challenge is to document it here. So, here it is my very first blog, and my very first post.

My plan is that for the next 30 days I will find enough things to be grateful for.  The challenge is to overlook all the negative stuff that comes your way, and find all that drops of love, peace and joy that life brings you, and be grateful for that.

Starting today.  I am very grateful for today being a public holiday. It has given me enough time to help my boy with a school project. Watch a movie.  Do the washing.  Cook dinner for the family.  Talk to my mother. Small things that are so hard to do when working full time. So very grateful for that public holiday.

Thank Queen for the Queen’s birthday.

Queen's birthday