We have a sick household, mum is sick, boy 1 very sick, boy 2 trying to get sick, hubby always sick and me fighting a sickness. Wrong week to get sick I say. So much to do with the party, my ethics, my job application, boy 1 music concert, boy 2 akido, hubby’s plan to finish garden. Well, this is life is a busy household. Anyway, still we have some fun on the weekend, plus i got a chance to have a little nap. Yesterday was El Salvador del Mundo celebration, Jesus’ transfiguration – we went to mass and had a chance to be together with friends and eat Salvadorean food, yum, yum.
This week I am going to contact my supervisors once again and ask for their feedback on my ethics application. I did sent emails and updates to them last week, but no input so far. I’d like the respond to the concerns of the uni ASAP. Also, this Wednesday I will be meeting fellow industry researches. They sent me input into my survey questions last week, but I have been very afraid of even opening the email just in case their questions are so different to mine or they don’t agree with my research methodology. I must get rid of that fear soon, given that I will be meeting them in a few days to agree on survey questions and field work. Once questions and ethics are ok, then, we can start making phone calls and arranging times to interview people. So, the real research is starting now. A lot of the advice on PhD is around lit review and writing of thesis, but for me the scary part is the field work. Going to industry and testing my ideas. What if they think my proposal is rubbish? What if they don’t understand my questions? What if they don’t even answer my phone? What if my methodology is wrong? I feel that my professional standing is going to be damaged, but worse of all is the embarrassment, the fear of being found I don’t know enough, that $£”()%( FEAR!!
The reality is that I must overcome my FEAR … fear keeps me low and wishing low … fear keeps me from moving forward. How to overcome fear? Fear is what our parents taught us, you see living in a war-torn country only the fearful who avoided danger survived: don’t to out at night, don’t get noticed, don’t be loud, don’t stand out. That fear was ingrained into us, we were told to be fearful from the time we were born. Only El Salvador del Mundo can help, only God can protect you. It worked, we survived the war! However, the war is over, I live in one of the safest cities in the world, surrounded by opportunities, but I am paralysed. The immediate danger is gone, but the feeling of FEAR stayed with me. As I celebrate the miracle of the transfiguration in El Salvador del Mundo, our ‘fiestas patrias’, I reflect on what being a Salvadorean survivor means.