ETHICS CLEARANCE GRANTED!! Done and done … finally! I am happy that this milestone has been achieved, but scared that I have to go into the big bad world and start collecting information. This is it, once I start contacting clients, I just can’t go back and don’t finish at least the report. Over the next two weeks I will be pilot testing my survey questions, making lists of people to contact and hopefully making appointments. It does not feel real just yet, it feels like I am dream-walking.
Last night while I was at boy 1 school, I got a phone call that my mum was lost. At first I felt that she maybe doing it on purpose – staying away – given that she was upset from the night before. As the night progressed hubby and boys starting to get worried. I tried calling her a couple of times, and once she finally answered her phone she sounded scared and fragile, she truly was lost. At first could not even tell me where she was, finally she was able to look at the signs around her and hint her location. Once I got home, hubby was cranky because he had been searching for her for hours and felt angry that I was not taking the matter seriously. The thing is that I was worried, but calm. This is something that i know always happens to me when in a crisis, I detached myself of the crisis and just do what it needs to be done. I never get into panic mode. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Last night it worked because I reached home, got into the car, went to look for her, managed to get a better description of her location, and I found her safe and sound. She was hidden in a place that nobody would be looking for her, she may have felt embarrassed and was trying to hide away. So dangerous. Glad that God looked after her and she didn’t have one of her panic attacks. Happy that she is home. Concerned for her well-being and clear that I cannot do much to help her. She’s still feeling very unwell, but too proud to admit.
On a happy note. The venue for the party is good and got access. Done, done.
3d illustration of checkbox with sign ‘done’
Finally after months of waiting, and getting all upset about no getting any information on my confirmation, finally I got an email today: I am confirmed!! No more excuses, get back to work, start researching now!! I must thank God, only God knows how much work I did and how upset I was because of my supervisors. Now I am upset I wasted all this time, but relieved I got a response.
Well done Edith!! I am officially a PhD candidate!!
After reading one of the blogs on time management in wordpress I came across the book: “The 8-minute writing habit” by Monica Leonelle. As I knew I wouldn’t have time to sit down and read it I got in audio. Great book with lots of small writing gems. Well, as always consistency triumphs over everything else. You only have to do 8 minutes every day, until you get in the habit and can become a writer. The book is more for people who want to do writing as a profession, but for me over the next 3 years or so, writing will be my profession. Anyway, after i finish this procrastination challenge, I will start the 8-minute thesis writing challenge.
In the meantime, life with all its drama is happening. Birthday party for my little boy still undecided because the teacher forgot to give the invites out. My pre-teen boy, is just a bit of a pain lately, moody and just got a C in math, a C?! Mum is feeling very sick, the dementia (finally, i wrote it), is slowly creeping up, main signs: anxiety and lack of sleep. She is new medication now, but I can sense her sadness. She is a nurse and sadly knows what to expect. She can see now her deterioration. She has been trying to hide it, i think that’s why she has refused to come and stay with us. She knows she is loosing it and is too embarrassed to tell people. My mum, always such a proud and strong woman, she is becoming this fragile little old lady. I am so sad for her. My heart breaks for her. Oh mum how much i love and wish i could help you.
As i said, drama gets in the way of a PhD. Work as chaotic as ever. Maybe a should rename this blog? “Dramatic PhD writing – mature student with young kid, teenager boy, crazy husband, dementia mother, chaotic workplace and so on”. Gee all those kids that only have to worry about going to uni and reading those damn papers with soon realise how easier they have it 🙂
Getting back to PhD. I am almost finished one of the models, a few more hours to work on it. On the weekend, I plan to try to do two more models. I must have something for my supervisors for next week, I am meeting them next Wednesday or Thursday. Maybe Thursday will be a good day to meet. Got to have at least 3,000 words to provide. A bit worried that my confirmation date has not been accepted. Also worried that the Department won’t let me be in the project. One thing at a time.
How fast the days when you have a deadline looming! Next Tuesday I am presenting my supervisor my new topic and area of interest. It’s more specific and manageable for me. Still horticulture, still technology, but new spin: digital disruption! Anyway, I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do. Still no justification, no model, no methods, no subject samples … ideas on paper only. Today, I will do a bit of work. Got up in the morning did my yoga stretches, watched a video on e-farming and file most of my printed articles. Small wins. Got more papers to print, read, file, end-note.
Sometimes I wonder if all is worth it. Don’t know. Doubts are on my mind. I know I can do it, what I am not sure it’s whether I gave the discipline to do it.
today I bought my first ever hard drive, $99 it cost me. Part of Sara management. I will then learn how to use and hopefully will use it regularly.
For my report, I wrote the abstract and kind of started working on the methods. The more I get into this, the more scared I get. See how this weekend goes.
gran Nietzsche! I left my docs st work and the email wasn’t sent. All that work lost!
Got to 1500 words, emailed Emilio’s swimming form and watched the movie ‘malacrianza’ in the Spanish film festival at UQ. Went for walk. I also enrolled Emilio in music lessons. Tomorrow I must call mom and tell her, I love her. On weekend must call dad.
Once again busy day at work, but this time I disappeared for a while to get a massage. So grateful for that. Mr X has been very busy today cooking for tomorrow’s big party. They are expecting more than 100 people, hopefully all that arguing with the committee members will pay off. We couldn’t go for our walk with Mr X so I played good techno in my I-phone and got to dance. So grateful I got to my 10.000 steps with the good old techno music.
Around 10,000 steps and many tears. Grateful the day is over.
Shhhhhh! It is cold, freezing, artic freezing. And yet, we went for our daily walk. Gee, this time we almost run, it was that cold. The coldest day in Queensland in 30 years. So grateful that we somehow managed to get up and went for a week. Today I applied for the Company Director’s Schollarship. My application was not up to the high standard needed to be awarded the Schollarship, but at least I had a go. Importantly, I realised how much more experience I need at the executive level to be seriously considered for high level programs. Good on me. So grateful that I took s risk and applied. Who knows what may come out of this experience. Ahhh … I almost forgot I have only walked 8,000 steps, but I am going out later tonight, maybe do some dancing and go well over 10,000 steps.
This morning my bed whispered ‘stay inside the warm blankets’, and I did! No walking this morning with Mr X, he had a meeting with tradesman early on, so no chance of going for our daily walk. Luckily for me, I did walk the 3kms from my boy’s school to the office. Fitness challenge saved! At work it had its ups and downs, going around in circles, chasing flying pigs. In the evening we went to our favourite Vietnamese restaurant, after eating Mr X reminded me of our commitment to walking together, so we did. Got to over 11,000 steps. So grateful that Mr X reminded me to keep our commitment and grateful that my body went for it.
OMG! I can’t believe that five days have passed since my last gratitude posting. I was too busy living, that I forgot to reflect on what’s I was experiencing. Me bad. That was very ungrateful. Life has been so good to me over the last few days. I have been very busy at a conference near the beach at a great resort. I met great people, listened to amazing talks and shared good moments with colleagues. The highlights of the four days were: the presentation on the Indigenous Marathon Project (http://imp.org.au/) by Australian runner Robert de Castanella; the meeting of Queensland companies; the staying at the hotel, the dancing. I must say that the best, best bit was seeing my boys having a great time in the hotel room and the swimming pool. Heaven! So grateful that work gave me this opportunity.
I must also say that I felt a bit self-conscious about my accent. So hard. I believe that my accent has been a major obstacle in my success. Even the bitch told: “I cant understand you”. I felt so humiliated that pretended not lo have listened that comment. Good thing is that in my area of work is very multicultural and international, so my ‘weakness’ is somehow accepted, but still a weakness.