No PhD work today, my mind needed a break. Busy at work with Princess travelling, would the queen let her go? Had lunch with ex colleague, great time. TV binge at night. Booked a holiday at the beach for my birthday. No news on hospital appointment. Hard on hubby.
Today I am a proud mama, all thanks to boy 2. Yes, teacher says he’s a lovely boy to teach and average or above average in many areas. What a surprise! I even thought he was referring to another boy. For PhD I got some journals and typed my notes from yesterday.
Today it was productive PhD-wise: got science temp articles, wrote on information sources and worked out on how to present model. I spent the day in bed because I was feeling unwell, and I used some of the time to read and write. In the evening we had a good friend over for dinner and got into a lovely political discussion. Dad had a ball and hubby enjoyed the heated chit chat. Boy 2 School report is happening tomorrow morning. Boy 1 still in bed feeling sick. I am feeling much better only needing a rest day. Tomorrow back to work and I may have time to write up today’s hand writing.
Today is my turn feeling unwell. Body aches, itching all over, dizzy spells, stomach upsets. Same as boy 1, with the exception that boy 1 has lost much weight and I am still pilling on the kilos. So I am staying in bed. So embarrassing at work and feel bad for my boss and colleague. But I am not really feeling well, why suffer in bed when I can suffer at home, in bed.
Yesterday was Monseñor Romero mass. It was a lovely service and the most lovely was dad’s serving at church. It brought memories of when he was a child with his granny. At night our Peruvian friends bought lovely dinner. Thank God for friends. I was going to ask Monseñor Romero for three gifts, but now I think I should thank him for three gifts that I have already received: 1) still enrolled in PhD and progressing, slowly but moving forward; 2) catching hubby’s cancer before any major damage; 3) having dad at hone with me and brother looking after mum in her house. Although life is in chaos right now, it also full of small miracles.
Finally a sunny day! A chance to take dad and kids to the beach for a picnic and a swim. I took dad kayaking and he loved it. Told me its the first time he had been in the water like that and he had only seen kayaks in the movies. Then I took him to walk around Surfers and check out the waves. Glad I could give him a chance to experience something new. Last weekend was the chess competition, this weekend wind and surf.
It was also a chance to be a family again with our arguments and screams, forgetting the cancer sentence for a few hours. Still every time I see hubby eat like he’s got nothing growing inside him is infuriating.
For seminar work I woke up at 2pm and worked on seasonal pricing, plus found an article that I loved on tacit learning. I need to make more references to trust or lack off, then start building the model up. When will I have the mental space and the time to do that? Monseñor Romero ayúdame. Tomorrow we’ll go to mass and will pray that hubby survives this and changes his lifestyle. Also pray for my boys, parents and seminar challenge. Santo Romero de América be with us. Amen.
I’m mentally exhausted with this cancer diagnoses and the lack of treatment options. I know the doctor will let us know soon, but this constant wait is tiring. The doctor at the PA told us we have to move soon, but how soon? So far, no further tests, no review meeting, no operation date, no appointment with oncologist, nothing. The cruelty of the public health sector.
So it’s hard to plan living, when death is so close. Harder to concentrate on upcoming PhD seminar and hardest complete seminar report. There is no mental clarity whatsoever to reflect on the research, to make sense of the transcripts, to analyse the data, to write coherently. I have written close to 14,000 words and I can honestly say that most of it will be deleted. I even feel embarrassed to read it. Badly written, duplications, serious omissions,
lack of real analysis and no link to theory. Definitely no peer review research material. I guess there is a silver lining: at least I can recognise that is not a good document! What I could do is keep on toiling and filling in the gaps. I can do that while at work next week. Then I two full days at home of rewriting and editing. Two full days of referencing. Then editing for grammar and formatting. And voila report completed! If only no full time work, no family commitments, no hubby with cancer. What? No me? I don’t think so. Resilience is called or ‘Indiada’ meaning indigenous grit. I will do it because there is no other option, I will just continue. Amen.
Life has got to me. Busy with work, dad, boys and did I say hubby’s cancer? Yes, the big C is with us, it has come to home and we are just getting used to have it around. It seems that hubby’s has had cancer for a few years, it has been growing in silence inside him, just waiting for the right time to be found.
In the meantime, life continues. Boy 2 had a chess competition. Boy 1 is a soccer leader. Dad has learnt to prepare coffee. Me got 13,000 words in report. Hubby was told that he had cancer in the duodenum, with chances that is gotten into the pancreas. Operation to happen in the next two weeks. No time to waste.
Today I told my supervisors about hubby’s condition. It was hard writing the email and I almost cried. They are supportive and willing to help as much as possible. Seminar can be postponed to April. I did a bit of work on my report today, but at times I feel I haven’t advanced much, I know there so much more to do. Is this project PhD worthy?
Life sucks right now. This no knowing, no solution, no options. This is insane!
Dad’s still trying his best, but I don’t feel the connection yet, maybe I never will again. There are small things that bother me, just as the things that bother in my husband and my boys: bad manners at the table, the holier than thou preaching and the constant phone checking. Those things will always annoy me, regardless of the person doing it. I wonder what finds my dad annoying about me?
Words you don’t want to hear from your doctor: if you have to have a cancer, this is the one you want to have – slow growing. It was hard to get out of doctor; yes, you have a tumour; yes, it’s given you troubles; yes, you need an operation; yes, it is a difficult operation and long recovery; and finally yes, it’s probably cancer.
My heart is still beating fast and feel like tears are trapped inside me. I feel a sadness mixed with anxiety. When I see hubby I get annoyed, he didn’t look after himself and feel he’s no taking this shit seriously. But I know that it’s is probably genetic and that he’s scared. Boy 2 is no even 10 yet, boy 1 going through puberty. They need their dad, and I need for moral support during my PhD.
Dad is trying his best. I am also trying, big adjustment for all. Frente perdió las elecciones. It’s their fault and our fault.